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It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are. We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important. We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality.

He is now responsible for changing. What comes next? Doing the work! Do so in a manner that is not hostile.

Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings. I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship. You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love. What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone. You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic. So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…. Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts.

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Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else. Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold. There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:. Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children. You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you.

Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family.

The Space Our Love Demands

You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences. You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated….

If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

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And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others.

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And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility. Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.

Leo Tolstoy on Love and Its Paradoxical Demands – Brain Pickings

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  5. You will not understand these English words, and others will not understand them,--which is the reason I have not scrawled them in Italian. But you will recognize the handwriting of him who passionately loved you, and you will divine that, over a book which was yours, he could only think of love.

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    In that word, beautiful in all languages, but most so in yours--Amor mio--is comprised my existence here and hereafter. I feel I exist here, and I feel I shall exist hereafter,--to what purpose you will decide; my destiny rests with you, and you are a woman, eighteen years of age, and two out of a convent.

    I love you, and you love me,--at least, you say so, and act as if you did so, which last is a great consolation in all events. But I more than love you, and cannot cease to love you. Think of me, sometimes, when the Alps and ocean divide us, --but they never will, unless you wish it. In your letter from Madras you wrote some words very dear to me, about my having enriched your life. I cannot tell you what pleasure this gave me, because I always feel so overwhelmingly in your debt, if there can be accounts in love What it has been to me to live all these years in your heart and companionship no phrases can convey.

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    Time passes swiftly, but is it not joyous to see how great and growing is the treasure we have gathered together, amid the storms and stresses of so many eventful and to millions tragic and terrible years? I received your letter my ever dearest Maria, this morning. You know my anxious disposition too well not be aware how much I feel at this time.

    At the distance we are from each other every fear will obtrude itself on my mind. Let me hope that you are not really worse than your kindness, your affection, for me make you say I think Let us I am happy in love--an affection exceeding a thousand times my deserts, which has continued so many years, and is yet undiminished Never will I marry in this world if I marry not you.

    Truly can I say that for the seven years since I avowed my love for you, I have I am still ready to make my sacrifice for you I will submit to any thing you may command me--but cease to respect, to love and adore you I never can or will. I must still think that we should have married long ago--we should have had many troubles--but we have yet had no joys, and we could not have starved To be with the people one loves, says La Bruyere is enough -- to dream you are speaking to them, not speaking to them, thinking of them, thinking of the most indifferent things, but by their side, nothing else matters.

    O mon amie, how true that is! I well know, I should know too well, since the three months that I sigh, far away from thee, that I possess thee no more, than my happiness has departed. However, when every morning I wake up, I look for you, it seems to me that half of myself is missing, and that is too true.